We all tell lies now and again – “sorry I couldn’t make your Tupperware party, my pet gizzard died”, “mmmmmm, this lamb balti in no way resembles cat poo” and of course that old favourite ‘yes of course my 38 DD boobs are real!”

Being the realistic type, I have no qualms about people telling me the odd lie or two in return, just so long as they aren’t fundamental lies that do nowt but confuse the very few brain cells my tiny bonce contains.

I mention this of course because it is something I have recently come across in my never-ending quest for perfect flirting harmony. Fortunately neither said liar and indeed lie-ee, are me, so I can sit objectively outside the box and peer in with a look so confused my face could take up a second career as a circus contortionist.

You see this girl from work, Sarah, met a ‘friend of a friend’ and despite the odd concern that he might be a bit of a ‘player’ they chatted online and he asked her to go out as part of a foursome with their mutual friends. So, she agreed.

They arranged to meet for dinner and drinks, but when the guy turned up he ignored Sarah from the off. No eye contact, no chatter and body language that screamed “GET ME OUT OF HERE”. Sarah was confused. She just couldn’t figure out what had happened. When he went to the bar and spent the next twenty minutes talking to the barmaid, she leaned over to her friend and said, “this might be the worst date I’ve ever been on”. Her friend agreed but said she too was confused because prior to the date he was apparently talking about her in a way she’d never heard him talk about anyone else. Odd.

Sarah decided to head home anyway. Regardless of what he’d said he’d acted like an arse. A fit arse, but an arse all the same.

The next morning Sarah has no fewer than 3 messages. Every one claiming that he was really sorry, the reason he had acted so badly was because he was trying to take it slow, he really genuinely did like her. Curiouser and curiouser.

She assessed, as most of us would, that 3 messages indicated that he meant it. So being the forgiving type she messaged back saying it was all fine and perhaps they should try again…this was exactly one week ago…not one single word has she heard in return. What is the crazy man doing!

Herein is my problem with lies. Tell them to preserve feelings, get out of Tupperware Parties, tell them to save face -but don’t tell them for the hell of being dishonest? That I do not understand. He obviously did not like her and was not sorry in the least! The tosspot.

Having been through this sort of thing myself whenever I think I’m being lied to I always step back and look at the behaviour. Are the words congruent with the actions? If a boy says he likes you, then he should act like he likes you. If his behaviour says otherwise, sack him off and move on to the next pair of pert buttocks – after all, in this glorious world, there’s plenty to go round!

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