All of us, men and women alike, are forced by Mother Nature to endure the embarrassment of physical imperfection and somewhat unpleasant bodily function – if this were not the case we would simply be giant Barbie Dolls and Action Men – which is all well and good on the surface because those dudes are undoubtedly easy on the eye, but under those lower garments it’s as smooth as mustard down there…

No fun at all.

So as gross as it might seem and as much as we may deny it, we all have to use the loo – front and back bottom. We also need to break-wind now and again – otherwise we’d all blow up like helium balloons and keep banging our heads on the ceiling. And even if we are discreet enough to control these emissions during the day, when we are asleep our body cares not a jot for social etiquette and will happily let us trump away like a tuba in the Albert Hall. And speaking of sleep, what of snoring!? In the dead of night even the most delicate princess can sound like a foghorn on overdrive.

Now, rest assured I haven’t morphed into a teenage boy, the reason for my preoccupation with all matters ‘euurrgghh’ is because a chum is off on a first ‘weekend away’ with a boy… and this has started the old brain-cogs a’ turning.

With a new partner we spend the first few months ensuring we smell as fresh as the morning dew, squeezing in wind and whizzing off all those stray hairs. We never really let ourselves go, so a weekend away together can come as a big shock.

Unless you eat 300 poached eggs on the Thursday, you are never going to go from Friday to Monday without having to visit the loo for more than a quick pee – and in a hotel room with an obscenely close en-suite it is going to be painfully obvious what you are up to. Urggh.

You may also find that the length of time continuously spent together may lead to some unconcious relaxing. If you forget yourself for a second the odd belch may rear its bile-like head, or you may allow a rogue finger to make an exploratory journey up a nostril.

All of these things, whilst concerning, are not worth getting your knickers-in-a-twist over. If you endure this perilous weekend and you find that ‘morning stubble legs’ or the occasional parp don’t really bother either of you too much, you may actually be in a relationship that stands a chance.

Just make sure you don’t poo in the bed – an act accidentally performed by an ex-boyfriend of mine that really was a bodily function too far!

But that’s a story for another day…..

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