The animal world employs all manner of queer ways to attract the opposite sex.

Pheasants parade their fancy-pants feathers, deer smash their heads together like conkers on string and baboons wave their enormous red buttocks in the faces of anyone they remotely fancy. Odd.

When us humans find a person we want to bone we often display our attraction through dancing.

On any given night you can sit in a club or bar and spot, clear as day, who is likely to be heading home with whom, just from the way they dance together.

It’s such a brilliant way to dip a toe in the proverbial flirting waters. Any guy can spy a hot bird across a dance floor and slowly sidle his way towards her. Catching her eye he can momentarily dance enthusiastically in her direction and if she chooses to dance along with him it could easily become a ‘Fred and Ginger’ situation. However, if she eyeballs his moves and responds by dancing in the opposite direction it’s not a positive state of affairs. But now he can just moonwalk his way back to his side of the room without the humiliation of direct rejection and having never spoken a word. What a wonderful thing

As for the girls! What a fab excuse to wave gyrating backsides in the direction of fit boys – much like the humble baboon of course, just without the red buttocks…well, in most cases that is.

This happy fandango is all well and good for those of us with hips that swivel so marvellously it’s as if they are independent to ones own body, but what about those who are as uncomfortable on the dance floor as a walrus in a ball pit.

A lack of talent in this department can make the most heavenly face morph into someone so unattractive even ‘Blind Drunk Betty-’ with the hook nose and third eye – would steer clear.

If you are one of said ‘flailing idiots’ then there are but two routes you should take.

1. Never attempt to use dancing as a flirting technique. By all means dance with your mates – who gives a flying cheese puff what you look like when you dance with them – but avoid anyone you consider even remotely hot.

2. Go for the comedy angle. You’re bad and you know you are. So play on it. Attempt a Michael Flatley routine; grab your crotch in a Wacko Jacko stylee, get the whole room doing the hokey cokey. Just make it clear you are fully and comprehensively aware of how bad you are. Your blatant lack of shame will be admired!

If the two options above fail to work, you could always follow in the footsteps of the baboon and get your bum out. Well you never know, if it works for monkeys…

Be Sociable, Share!

•