My brother once bestowed upon me his most sacred piece of dating advice. He said,

“Always plump for a partner who is uglier than you. This means they are less likely to find someone more attractive and ditch you.” Charming. However, he also advised gulping a pint of sour milk daily because it would make my boobs grow and that strapping myself to an ironing board to surf down concrete steps would be great fun and in no way dangerous.

In case you hadn’t gathered, his advice is somewhat questionable. Fortunately for me the ever-lingering taste of sour milk and my 5 chipped ribs have alerted me to this fact, so sensibly, I ignore his nonsense.

I say, go for someone you well fancy, then, even if they do leave you, to other people you’ll automatically appear better looking. It’s handsomeness by-proxy. “Well if Johnny Fit Knickers dated her then she’s gotta be worth a crack” – is the bizarre route of logic we often follow. Don’t ask me why it’s true but it is.

In fact a somewhat facially under-blessed boy once managed to snare my affections by pretending he was seeing a really beautiful girl. He casually left photos of her around, chatted nonchalantly about their dates and pondered on the dilemma of her yearning for commitment in juxtaposition with his desire merely to boff her.

Well I of course was astounded. What could she see that I couldn’t? His girlfriend really was stunning; surely she could pull someone much fitter than him? What could be so special it overshadowed his insanely hairy ears and mouth so pinched it were as if he was sucking the milk from a hamsters nipple.

Being of a curious mind, I needed to know!

So I flirted like a woman possessed. He soon got the hint and we went out… sadly he struggled to uphold his game and it transpired rather quickly that the other girl was entirely fictional – so all that remained was a rather unattractive gent and a somewhat disappointing tongue sandwich. Unsurprisingly, I moved on. But he put a damned good effort and with a bit more skill he could have pulled it off.

Undertaking this ‘handsomeness-by-proxy’ technique on a regular basis, one fitty after the other, could see you work your way up the ratings ladder to score a perfect ten.

Of course as my tale above demonstrates, for this method to work it is necessary to ensure all of your dates know each other, otherwise your ‘fit partner’ is nothing but hearsay, and once you start going through a few of them you may indeed become well known for other reasons. Not entirely so favorable. So tread carefully.

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