During a particularly boozy night in the Fox and Hounds a colleague of mine confessed that she had conducted a somewhat sordid love affair with our boss. Not merely a drunken tongue-tangle at the Christmas party, nor even a small passing fling but a full on ‘adding his surname to hers, counting the minutes till she saw him, actually bothering to wax her bikini line’ love affair. He, the dirty rascal, is a married man, she, the silly girl, believed his Pinocchio promises to leave his wife and fell arse-over-brassiere. Anyway as it is with these things, eventually it ended and life went on. The reason I mention this dirty duo is because I didn’t have the foggiest it was going on. I didn’t spot any lingering looks or naughty jokes. I didn’t suspect their numerous private meetings were anything but professional nor did I spot a surreptitious under-the-table stroke. It won’t surprise you to hear that when I’m involved with someone –secret or not – it’s all I can do to stop myself constantly licking their face. So to me, this pair’s discretion is a feat of gigantuous proportions.

I always believed my Flirt Radar to be incredibly highly tuned, but my failure to spot their shenanigans has put my skills under serious question. Now I spend my days wondering whether Mrs Stanley from next door and the Sky man really are chatting about the number of channels she’ll be able to receive or if he is secretly arranging to come back later and ‘install her box’. Or if the exchange of a Kit Kat between Miss Peters the Nursery school teacher Dave in the newsagent and is actually code for “come over to my place later and I’ll let you twiddle my nipples”. It’s driving me bananas.

I really can’t bear missing out on things and so the idea that there is an sort of ‘underground scene’ in the flirting world going on all around me and I’m not a part of it is just plain unacceptable…. and that’s where you come in.

I want to know how you do it. All of you out there who are maintaining deliciously playful relationships in full view of others – yet without letting the cat out of the bag – please tell me your secrets. What are your tricks? How do you keep up the heat whilst keeping your cool? Do you use codes? What are they?

I know I sound desperate, but the truth is…I am. I simply have to know how it’s done. My Flirt Radar must be upgraded. I’ll even throw in a copy of Bowling Green Weekly and a Pot Noodle for anyone with valuable information.

Come on secret flirters, it’s time to spill the beans….

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