The beginning of a new romance can be mind-bendingly amazing. You feel as if at any moment your delirious heart will explode from your chest, splattering red gore and bone fragments all over innocent passers-by. You teeter precariously on the edge of madness, spending every waking minute thinking about their dimpled chin, wobbly ear trick, or the cute way they call you “sweet pea”. Even when apart you concoct daft conversations in which you both profess a love so deep you swear you’ll boil your own eyelids in oil if the other were ever to leave. Ridiculous.

This insanity can last days, weeks or months depending on the depth of feeling (or the quality of the jiggery-pokery) but there is no doubt that this period of happiness will come to an end.

One minute you are so preoccupied with the cute little hairs on your chap’s big toe that you walk face first into a lorry, the next your mind is niggling on that 20 quid he borrowed from you three weeks ago and has still to return.

No matter how besotted you initially are somewhere down the line you’ll discover an astonishing urge to bash their head in with a broom. It’s human nature. People are idiots. We annoy each other. But the way we deal with these first few spats is often a good indicator of whether the relationship will last.

Stop rolling your eyeballs and move that digit away from the escape button, there’s no need to get in a tizz…

I’m not one of those bumptious tit-heads determined to advise you to ‘control your anger’, ‘use a calm voice’, ‘pick the right moment for the discussion’ blah blah blah blerrrghhh…I mean really, who gets to the point of blood-boiling anger and thinks ‘perhaps my voice is a smidge loud, maybe I should tone it down’?

No one, that’s who.

My personal opinion on arguments (for the two beans it’s worth) is that it doesn’t really matter how you conduct them as long as it is compatible with your partner’s style. If your natural instinct is to become completely unreasonable, make up elaborate lies to justify your behaviour and then lock yourself in a garden shed, then that’s fine with me. Just as long as your partner’s style compliments this. Maybe they use your time in the shed to prepare an apology. Perhaps they see right through your lies and make up even more fanciful tales of their own.

It doesn’t matter, as long as it works.

You see arguing is very much like knobbing. No one individual is doing it the correct way. It’s totally dependent on the compatibility of knobber and knobee. Hence with one person it can be so wonderful you find yourself weeping gently into the pillow with delight and with another you’d be happy to gnaw through your own genitals just to escape the bedroom.

The short and long of it is, screw rules and screw trying to be something you’re not. Successful disagreements, good shags and lasting relationships are all about the right way with the right person. Just make sure you have fun searching for the peg to fit your particular hole!

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