You know how being licked by an overenthusiastic puppy can get you thinking about that night with the ‘furry-backed tongue-monster man’, or how hearing a Rhiannon track on the radio reminds you of the time you harpooned the eye of your boyfriends sister with your umbrella? Yes? Well last week’s blog on compatible arguing set off a memory about an old flirtee of mine.

The neural pathway was triggered because our entire flirtations were based on fighting. Bickering and bemoaning each other about the most ridiculous things. It all started when he suggested that I hadn’t passed on an important phone message. He banged on about the disastrous consequences for at least a week – who would have thought failing to get the news that your mum had finished your ironing would be a world ending event?! Then we disagreed over the merits of ‘Dude Where’s My Car’. I reckon it’s a classic film with hilarious acting and hot eye candy to boot. He suggested that it was pointless drivel and a waste of carbon energy. – the debate continued for 2 hours and concluded with me throwing a moldy sausage roll at his big fat head.

After this incident we almost made excuses to argue. It didn’t matter what our true opinions were we would disagree for the sake of it, at the drop of a hat changing an entire core belief system just to prove that the other was wrong.

Of course anyone with more than a sprinkling of sawdust between their hearing organs knew that we fancied the nipples off each other. Despite clawing at each other’s mental well being every second we were together, we never made the effort to avoid each other. In fact we seemed to actively find ways to be in the same room.

I think for the first few months we didn’t even realize it ourselves. We were too busy biting chunks out of one another. But one day, mid fight (I think it was a disagreement over baked beans) I looked at his flaming cheeks and screwed up brow as he spat words of venom from his foaming chops and thought “ I wouldn’t mind slathering baby oil over those pecks”

The minute the thought hit my brain I recoiled in horror and told myself it was a one-off brain glitch. But the damned thought wouldn’t leave. It kept gnawing at me and my arguing skills began to suffer because of it.

Before long I decided there was nothing for it but to pounce. So after a few bevs I did just that. Literally lunging in for the snog as he was midway through another rant. Fortunately he responded by kissing me back and we spent the next 3 weeks in an insanely passionate liaison. Of course ultimately it was doomed to fail, once we’d stopped fighting and the physical passion finally died down we had nothing else to work with. Oh well.

But if you find yourself in a tempestuous relationship with a person you think you hate, be prepared. There just might come a moment when a vision of their naked body covered in baby oil springs from no-where into your brain. And that’s the sort of thing a person needs to be prepared for.

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