You’ve called him three times this week and he hasn’t bothered to answer the damn phone. His latest email consisted of a few babbling words saying he’s ‘busy at work’. He seems reluctant to tell you when you’ll next be meeting up. Yep, it’s true. Your sorry ass is being dumped.

It’s a fact of life, like bumhole-hair or undercarriage burps. At some point we all have to deal with it.

Our reaction can depend on many variables but mostly we either – chuck a childlike strop howling and crying for our mummy, or we mope about for millennia on end like the last cheese puff on the buffet table.

But whichever way it goes, we all, momentarily, go a smidge kerraaaazeeee.

Many moons ago, when a chap I was particularly partial to gave me the big heave-ho my brain turned to jam. Sensible reasoning was completely out of my grasp.

I kept thinking about the things he’d said and reasons he’d given. I couldn’t stop my mind turning the thoughts over and over like a mental washing machine stuck on ‘spin’. It was hideous. And just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse my stupid, useless brain decided to inflict even more damage….

I began torturing myself – and not with red-hot knitting needles.

I would ‘coincidently’ turn up at all the places he went just so I could see him. I would disguise myself and walk back and forth past his house all day long hoping to catch a glimpse of him– heaven only knows what he made of the giant banana crouching behind the bush! And I would text him a random message, then send another saying ‘whoops – meant to send that to Sue’ in the stupid sad hope he might reply. Of course, he didn’t… he just reported me to the police.

This new fandangled digital world makes it even easier to stick metaphorical pins under our own fingernails.

When we are all loved up we instantly befriend each other in our online worlds. We check messages every day and we eagerly await photo updates and the like.

However when your relationship has sailed down the swaney to dumpsville it’s all too tempting to keep looking at it in the hope you’ll find something to grasp onto. And because life can be a big bag of fish guts at times inevitably there will come a day, a hideous day, when you come across something you really don’t want to see. A picture of a new partner, a cheeky message from someone hot, or worse – suddenly not finding their profile and realising you’ve been dropped from their contacts list! Yikes.

If you are unlucky enough to be chucked onto the rubbish tip like a discarded old snot-rag, don’t wait and don’t hesitate. Delete their phone number, don’t go anywhere you may run into them and, whether on our very own Flirtomatic or any other site, definitely remove them from your contacts. In short – avoid the stalker behaviour. It’ll be weird at first but you’ll feel better for it in the long run – and anything that prevents you from getting arrested whilst disguised as a giant banana has got to be a good thing, right? Right.

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