I once knew a strange boy who would get aroused on the bus. Not because he traveled on a special naked bus or anything like that. No no, it was purely the act of being on a bus that set his flag flying. Odd eh?

But I must confess, I’ve been known to think the odd naughty thought in an inappropriate location before now.

A visit to my mortgage advisor recently set off my ‘whenever, wherever’ mindset…

There I sat, with the financial equivalent to my knicker drawer spread out on the table for all to see, in a room so soulless I briefly wondered if I’d dropped dead and was actually sitting in purgatory, when I noticed the manly nature of this bankers hands (feel free to insert your own joke here!)

They were big and strong, not the sort of paws you’d expect a man who spends his days playing with calculators to have.

So of course this set me off. Whilst he was running through the ‘offset variable rate options’ I was running a few ‘fantasy variables’ through mine.

Well that was that, the instant my flirtometre kicked in I was powerless to stop it. For the rest of the meeting I responded to each question by first slowly licking my lips, then twisting strands of hair as I answered and crossing and uncrossing my legs. It was such fun having a good old flirt in this bizarrely cold and sterile environment, it felt so out of place it was almost ‘illicit’ and of course we all know how appealing that can be.

It took ages for this chap to catch on to my, frankly, bloody obvious signals. But eventually his ridiculous banker brain clocked on and suddenly he pulled out a few moves of his own. He became much more human and chatty, his queries were more personal. He leaned back in his chair and stretched out in a clear display of ‘chest puffing’ and he suggested coming round the table to sit next to me so he could ‘explain a little better’. The naughty monkey.

A meeting that should have lasted 20minutes became an hour long as we flirted and chatted in this bizarrely unsexy, yet very erotic environment. By the end it was all I could do to stop myself jumping on his buff body like a crazed maniac!

Sadly the meeting ended and we went our separate ways without an offer of a ‘coffee’ at a later date. But who cares. By Jimminy, if every visit to a dullsville location was as flirtatious as that I’d be up and down the high street searching out insurance offices and double-glazing shops all day long.

Of course you should always be aware of the real subject in hand. I’m running out of kidneys to flog for the ridiculous mortgage I signed up for. Yikes!

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