Some people enjoy being offended the way others enjoy biscuits. They roll around in their own sense of outrage like a puppy in wet grass, gleefully and without restraint.

It creates a sense of importance in their snotty little lives, so they march around with their heads on permanent swivel sticks in order never to miss something personally repugnant against which they can outcry.

These people are idiots and should be rounded up and tied together by their own screechy tongues as we prod at them with sharp spoons and ladle monkey sick into their yapping mouths. It’s only fair.

Ok ok, perhaps I’m being a smidge harsh but as you may have guessed, there is a reason for my bile-filled outpourings.

Last night, as I stood in a bar chatting to an old chum, my delicate shell-likes caught wind of a conversation on the next table. Two girls with orange tans and hair extensions (you know the type) were approached by a man about ten years older than them with a particularly bad sense of style (although better than the two WAG wannabes I might add).

He politely asked if he could buy them both a drink as he said he thought they looked like lovely ladies.

He thought wrong….

It was as if he had made some sort of personal affront.

One squealed at the top of her voice in horror as the other nearly fell off her stool in shock

“You? Buy us, a drink” the one with the wonky boobs said, jabbing a claw-like talon at the poor chap.

“Er yes. I’m here on my own and I just thought it’d be nice if I could come over and chat to you”

The other ‘lady’ piped up with “why would girls like us want to talk to someone as old and pathetic as you?”

Honestly anyone would think he’d come over and asked if he could wipe his bum on their knees (which at this point is exactly what I was praying he would do).

The poor guy didn’t bother to say another word, he just turned beetroot and scuttled away.

This disgusting pair then proceeded to spend the next ten minutes talking in shocked voices about what a terrible situation it was when old men thought they ‘had the right’ to chat up younger women.

What a pair of tits.

I’d lay money that it’ll be a good while until that guy builds up the nerve to approach a lady again. Those stuck-up, self-important, armpit-hairs have ruined it for him and for anyone else who may well have been perfectly happy to have a drink with our hero.

I’m not suggesting we should be endlessly polite to people who continue to pester us after we have said no, but it doesn’t take a bean of effort to say nicely ‘thanks but no thanks’ when someone we don’t fancy has the courtesy to flirt with us.

It’s good to remember that we’re none of us any better than the next dude and to keep a civil tongue in our heads. It’s really important ….not least because I’ve got a ladle full of monkey sick and I’m not afraid to use it!

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