News this week informs us that a small town in American has forced its criminals to listen to cheesy pop songs, for hours at a time, by way of punishment. That’s all fine with me, but I’m not sure what the Great British Public has done to deserve the same treatment?

I’m assuming that by now you, like me, are ready to saw off your own ears with the broken shards of a filthy teacup, if only it’d mean you didn’t have to listen to any more flippin’ Christmas songs.

I do enjoy Christmas, don’t get me wrong, it’s just that I can’t abide the way retailers roll it out earlier and earlier each year, slowly killing off any sense of excitement and anticipation us elves ever had. Still, December is here now. The real countdown has begun.

To avoid becoming disillusioned with the whole Baby Jesus bananas I’ve developed a little game for myself, based on the good old-fashioned advent calendar.

You see having outgrown the pleasures of opening a small window and enjoying a little chocolate treat, I decided that I deserved a few ‘grown-up treats’ instead.

So I wrote down a list of 24 flirtatious ways to have fun.

From saying “hello” to the first handsome stranger I see, to sending a secret saucy message to a boy I’ve long fancied. I’ve included instructions to wear naughty underwear to work, the names of places my friends and I must visit on the hunt for fresh flirt companions and a promise to give a second chance to a lad who accidentally put his tongue up my nose on our first date.

I’ve popped them all in a bag and from December 1st to the 24th I’ll pull out one of these little treats and make it my mission to complete it before the day is done. So far I’ve had to ask out all shop assistants when buying gifts that start with the letter ‘N’ and wink saucily at men with big white beards. It’s been hilarious.

So if you’re looking for ways to pep up the endless shopping trips to buy presents for idiots you don’t even like and the chin-deep piles of mince pies, then set about making your own unique Flirt Calendar.

After all it’s a time for goodwill and nothing sums up goodwill like some serious seasonal flirting.

Have fun my friends.

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