Are you frequently rejected by even the most hatchet-faced old hags? Often find yourself standing outside the flicks, in the rain, for hours on end, repeating over and over ‘please turn up’, ‘please turn up’, ‘PLEASE TURN UP’?

Well my friends, nay yee fret. You are not alone. In fact you could jam-pack a cruise liner full of the people who, despite their best efforts, simply cannot make it in the fickle world of flirt… in fact, that sounds like a good idea for a new reality TV show…’Love Losers on Cruisers’…erhem…anyway…

My new pal Becky is one of said ‘Flirting Fools’. She saunters through life cocking up each and every potential new relationship. Most recently, at a train station, of all places…

She happened to be standing behind a chap in the ticket queue, who, in her words, was so knee-quiveringly handsome she would have happily wrapped her naked body in a duvet woven purely from his crusty toe-hair.

Rather than doing what any normal human may have done i.e. start a casual conversation about the weather, or the dreadful state of public transport, she poked him in the back and pretended to be an undercover policewoman. Not just any old undercover policewoman, oh no, an undercover policewoman on the hunt for a rampant terrorist! She actually demanded to see the contents of his rucksack in some crazybonce way of getting his attention!?! Of course, once she’d rummaged through his stinking old socks and peeled open each of his cheese sandwiches to check for Semtex she realized she didn’t really know how to talk her way out of it… she’d assumed he’d clock it was just a ploy to get his attention and laugh off her demand to ‘prepare to unzip’.

He didn’t.

So 20 minutes later she had to simply walk away having warned him “not to act suspiciously with a rucksack in the future”. Oh dear.

The smashing thing about Becky is that it doesn’t phase her one tiny little bit. Every time she regales me with one of her ‘dumb as doughnuts’ stories I stand with my jaw agape and my eyes goggle-wide, she just shrugs and says ‘oh well’.

What a fandabbydozie attitude.

And it is this attitude that will ensure she ends up with a cracking chap. Despite the way she lollops from one ridiculous encounter to the next she maintains a horizontal state of mind.

It’s true, you might find her with a cushion strapped to her bottom after an unfortunate incident with a hot farmer and his rampant goat – but you’ll never catch her repeatedly calling a guy who clearly isn’t interested, or telling the world that the chap she’s been on two dates with is her ‘soul-mate’. Oh no. Not for our Becky. And hopefully, my dear flirtoholics, not for you.

You see no matter how custard-pie-in-the-face ridiculous you are in relationships, it’s the chill factor that will carry you through, ensuring that your errors never stop you from trying. So don’t let your cringe-worthy moments stop you. Relish them, like fine wine. Just try not to get trollied!

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