Poor old Baby Jesus, nailed to a cross, wearing a crown of thorns, to die for your sins.

And here you are, 2000 years later, saying thanks by sitting on your fat backside watching You’ve Been Framed specials and shoving chocolate eggs down your gullet.

Were I he, I’d have the right raging hump!

I reckon a more appropriate way to show our gratitude would be to grab Easter by the gizzards and shake from it every last dewdrop of fun.

Ok so Mr. Weatherman is shaking his pointy stick of doom at clouds and rain for pretty much the whole weekend, but the Good Lord (whose weekend it is, remember) gave you a damn fine noggin, so why not do some thinking with it? A bit of bad weather shouldn’t hold you back, particularly if you’re heading out on a date.

Here’s a small list of thoughts to grease your cogs.

Abandon the ‘one size fits all’ wine bar and search out a proper old-fashioned boozer. Order a pint and chat absolute balls with the locals. It’s guaranteed to be more interesting than Eastenders.

Knab a seat at one of the cinemas that regularly show classic movies. A tub of popcorn, Gone with the Wind and a thigh to fondle. Perfectamundo.

Or here’s a random thought. What about the Zoo? Usually they’re teaming with sprogs at the best of times, let alone during school holidays, but ‘when the rain pours the adult scores’.

With the kids inside making their way through a pile of Disney DVDs and enough E-numbers to make a corpse look sprightly, you can have the run of the place. Ok ok, so maybe you don’t want to hang around trying to pick out sorry looking lions with manes as damp as your trousers, but I always think the best beasts are kept indoors. Who wants to ogle a daft elephant when you can check out a python with a rat stuck half way down its throat! Exactly. And there is one particular little fella who, upon viewing, always peps up my dates! Get yourself down to Bristol Zoo and you ‘ll find a small creature known as a ‘naked mole rat’ and this wee fella is the spitting image of… a penis. Yes, a penis. What could be more romantic than taking your date to see an animal that looks like the male genitalia? I know I’d be impressed.

And as it’s Easter I doubt that there’s a better way to celebrate ‘Christ Arisen’ than through the appreciation of God’s creatures – particularly the poor sods he made to look like knobs.

Whether your weekend is about chocolate, or Christ, I hope you have a corker, either way.

Be Sociable, Share!

•