Mums are just about the most smashing things in the world don’t you think? I swear, the moment they give birth, a special ‘Mum Fairy’ comes down and gives them super powers – how else can we explain the way they wash your clothes so that a simple wool sweater smells as if it’s been woven from the freshest spring lilies, or how they make rice pudding taste so bloomin’ delicious when, on paper, a rice and milk combo sounds like it’d make your tongue want to take refuge in your nostrils? These, and 3 hundred gazillion other things, are what make mums so super douper and of course a few weeks ago we all acknowledged their wonderfulness with cards and pressies…or at least most of us did.

My pal Paul, a cheeky monkey with kind eyes and a club foot, is dating a girl who didn’t send her mum a card- or even bother to give her a little tinkle. Odd eh? Of course I’m not in the position to understand the in’s and out’s of her relationship with her old lady, but when Paul enquired as to the reason- assuming it would be along the lines of ‘Mum doesn’t believe in it’, or ‘she’s away on holiday right now’ – the explanation was that she just couldn’t be gibbered. Well, unsurprisingly this has put him right off!

He was bonce-over-bollock for this chick, but now it transpires she doesn’t give a squirrels nut for her mum it’s made him wonder about a few other little curiosities that, up until now, he has ignored.

1. She doesn’t believe in giving money to charity, even when her best friend ran the marathon she refused to donate even a single bean.

2. She doesn’t like animals – not just cats, or dogs, or crocodiles, but any creature, in any form.

3. She flat denies that there is any sort of environmental crisis occurring – the rising river levels are in fact due to all the dumped shopping trolleys…apparently!

Well now, I don’t think it takes a brainiac to figure out that this chick is as cold-hearted as a polar bears nipple. No one single thing alone is worth ditching her for, but when they all tot up like this you begin to wonder whether she’d bother to fetch a plaster if your head fell off.

So of course he has elbowed her far and away into the next millennium and learnt one of life’s key lessons – if your partner can’t treat even treat their own mum right then what chance do you stand. Bugger all, that’s what.

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