I wonder if any of you have spotted this wince-inducing new cookery book containing a range of animal testicles as the main ingredient?

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/worldnews/article-1066230/On-ball-Introducing-worlds-testicle-cookbook.html

Now I enjoy a ball or two as much as the next person, but I think there’s a time and a place for them and I’m not entirely sure sliced up, flash fried and served atop a plate of steaming scrambled eggs is it. Are you?

But what fun it would be to buy this book and just leave it hanging around for your boyfriend to discover underneath ‘Ken Hom’s 100 Easy Ways With a Wok’. It might give him serious cause to up his game. I don’t know a man alive who wouldn’t purchase the odd bunch of flowers to prevent their knackers ending up slathered in a delicious garlic marinade and stir-fried with a side order of beansprouts. Do you?

It’s all too easy for chaps (and chapesses) to become complacent in a relationship, and although I’m not bananas enough to suggest cooking their genitalia is the best way to get a partner to buck up their act, I do think it’s a risky business to do nothing, as mild complacency can quickly transform into ‘don’t give a rats ass’ which in turn can become, ‘screw this load of old balls I’m leaving you and going to see if the local barmaid will give me a look at her boobies for a fiver’. So watch out.

If you don’t fancy the old ‘I’ll fry your testis’ trick then you could always play it simple and just arrange to spend a bit more time with your chums instead. Reminding each other that you aren’t fully dependent may help to nudge along the thought that you are with that person because you want to be and not because you need to be. So if the relationship isn’t up to top notch then you won’t disintegrate into a small pile of biscuit crumbs without them and will happily do a bunk.

Of course should you be a proper Billy-No-Mates and find you really are reliant on your other-half then maybe you really should take a left onto easy street and go for the testicle cookbook route after all–it’d scare me into being well-behaved that’s for sure …and I’ve not even got any knackers!

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