Bleary-eyed and sobbing with snot running down her chin in great mucus rivulets, you sit and listen as your chum recounts, through the tearful snorts, her latest disastrous date.

A common scenario for us all I think. And I would bet cold hard beans that you tried to make her feel better by dropping endless platitudes into her brain like a gambling addict shoving coins into a slot machine – “Plenty more fish”… “He wasn’t good enough for you”… “ It sounds like he has issues”.

We want to help, we want to make it better, and more importantly we want the banshee-like wailing to stop! But perhaps we might be better off giving our friends a small teaspoon of truth… “If you hadn’t worn a see-through boob-tube then perhaps he might have spent less time staring at your bojanglies”… “Next time maybe don’t mention that you once copped off with his best mate” blah blah blah…

Were we to actually point these things out we’d be forced to don plastic clothing just to ensure easy wipe-down of the ensuing eye-and-nose-juice explosion. Ergh. So we all blunder through our lives like drunken uncles at a wedding – tripping over the same errors time and time again, repeating every stupid thing at increasingly loud volume and embarrassing ourselves with our hideous behaviour – just because we are all too blessed scaredy-catty to tell each other the truth. Stoooopid humans.

With the spirit of this in mind, and a recent date so bad it could only have been sent straight from the depths of Hades, I decided that if no-one else would tell me where I was going wrong I would just have to use my own noggin to figure it out.

I decided to do a bit of self-analysis and write a list of the things I suspect I may ever-so-slightly have done wrong on this last bum-twitchingly embarrassing date.

1. Poked fun at his baldhead, big-ears and squiffy-eye.

2. Suggested that the korma curry he had selected was so mild it was suitable only for little girls and small children.

3. Responded to his delightful compliment about my dress with ‘if you think that sort of thing will get you the golden key to my undercrackers you can forget that idea right now’.

And this is as far as I got because once I started to see all the vile things I done wrong I decided that a smidge of self-improvement wasn’t really going to cut it. It was just too awful for words.

It seems there is only one thing for it…I’m dumping myself. Yep, that’s it me, I’m ditched. And who would blame me? Not me, that’s for certain! Bugger off me, go on, be gone and don’t come back until I’ve learnt some manners!

Now I realize why platitudes and niceties really are so important, because facing the truth about oneself is just too vomit inducing to endure!

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