“I ate a Twirl, and I liked it. Hope my boyfriend don’t mind it”

All the time I was happily singing along, but thinking…‘well, what sort of boyfriend would complain about his girlfriend eating the odd chocolate bar? It seems a smidge unfair’…and then of course I realized the song didn’t have a bean to do with confectionary snacks but rather sandwiches – of the lesbian-tongue variety. Yikes!

My poor little brain had failed to register the naughtiness of the track and instead replaced the lyrics with perfectly innocent words that, looking back now, may have made me sound somewhat foolish on more than one occasion.

After the enormous success of Miss Perry’s cheeky wee number it seems nightclubs up and down our fair land have been packed full of young ladies planting smackers upon one other. The boys must be thinking that the Baby Jesus, Father Christmas and the Easter Bunny have had a whip round and decided to bless them with the world’s most amazing gift!

Girls. Snogging. For fun. In front of their very peepers! Lorks-a-lordy! It’s a wonder any of them manage to make it through a night without the sheer force of their erections splitting open the seam of their slacks.

Of course these girls aren’t really gay. It’s a daft little act designed to catch the attention of boys and prove how much ‘fun’ they are in the jiggery-pokery department. And it works. No surprises there. The little fantasy the men usually keep for ‘special nights in with Mr. Fingers and his chum Slippery Palm’ is happening live. So it’s no wonder they go all out to pull these ladies – they are of course thinking that when they get them home the full X-rated version of the movie, for which they’ve just seen the trailer, will be acted out – with them in the starring role.

Wrong wrong wrong. These girls no more want a bit of ‘lick and tickle’ with a member of the boobied sex than they want to share a bath with an angry ferret – and when it all goes tits up (or not, as the case may be) the chaps can end up feeling somewhat let down, and the ladies, frankly, look silly.

As much as I’m all for a bit of experimentation, I think it would be worthwhile having a proper think about whether ‘faux lesbian action’ is a route you really want to go down. You might think my brain needs a service, but personally I’m not convinced being gay or bisexual is a decision you make on the basis of a daft song, nor is it something to be paraded around for the amusement of men – unless it’s your job to parade around for the amusement of men, in which case lady-love yourself right up.

It’s your choice, obviously, but I just reckon pretending to be something you’re not is a teensy bit on the iffy side and could land you in a whole heap of unpleasantness.

So ladies, if I were you, I’d leave off kissing girls and stick to eating Twirls – equally delicious and you’re far less likely to end up stood in your pants feeling slightly bilious at the sight of your mate’s bare undercarriage. Makes sense to me.

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