My Uncle Maurice collects moustaches. Yes moustaches. Fake ones of course – it would be nigh on impossible to cultivate a variety of real upper-lip accessories on his very face, although no doubt he has tried. Each furry little caterpillar sits in its own compartment in a small locked case. Odd eh? Well my friends it gets odder – he spends at least 15 minutes a day grooming the tiny hairy sprouts before deciding upon which one to don for that day.

It’s a queer habit, I’ll grant you, and being of a particularly inquisitive mind I did, one rainy Sunday afternoon during an Antiques Roadshow special on ceramic thimbles, enquire as to the reasoning behind this peculiar collection.

‘Well’ he said, ‘let me tell you my young prune, the style in which a man wears his moustache tells another gent a great deal about a chap, and if you’ve any clout about your noggin you choose to adapt your look– and therefore your perceived assets – to get the most out of every situation’.

As bonkers as a bag of wet mice he may be, but the theory ain’t half bad – and applying this principle to oneself in the flirting world wouldn’t be the most bananas thing you could do.

After all, most of us want different things from each flirtation we enter into, so treating our behaviour as our own personal collection of moustaches and selecting the correct one will only serve to ensure we get exactly want we want from each situation.

Lets say a new partner has knocked you bandy and you’re thinking that they might actually be the one! Perhaps it would be smart to play up your long term attributes whenever you are together, i.e. behaving in an intelligent, amusing and agreeable fashion – a change from the standard date activity of getting hammered and flashing your bum! Small tweaks like this will help you to appear to be more than a crazy harlot only suitable for the occasional knee-trembler and knickerless picnic.

However, should you be happy with a couple of random dates and some hot undercracker action then whispering naughty suggestions and popping on your best saucy persona is exactly the route to take.

There is of course all manner of permutations on these two particular extremes; all I’m saying is that it’s important to choose the correct version of you to match the specific situation.

And if you’re not convinced about my Uncle Maurice’s theory or indeed my adaptation of it to the flirting world then just remember this – Charlie Chaplin’s moustache went down a storm in his time…but when Hitler wore that very same moustache in an entirely different situation, well, I think it’s fair to say the entire world was less than impressed!

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