If it weren’t for the fact I don’t have wispy grey hair and a voice so smooth and comforting it’s a wonder they’ve not named a chocolate after it, you’d be calling me David Attenborough – you see in the depths of the concrete jungle I’ve identified a new species of flirter.

Funny little creatures with boggle-eyes, lolloping tongues and a very specific behaviour pattern…

Whenever they come across a female with whom they would like to mate, they freeze on the spot. Their eyes slowly grow larger and larger until they almost pop out of their very head, their jaw begins to disengage and their mouth gradually drops as their meaty pink tongue falls from its natural resting place and lands on their chin in a pool of icky slobber. A lazy creature with little sense of social rules they will rouse suddenly from their frozen state and interrupt the chattering of their fellow creatures with a loud grunt in the direction of the female, this usually induces a look of fear and disgust from her. This however, does not put them off. They will continue to alternate the boggle-eyed slobbering with the random grunts for as long as it takes to completely terrify the female into a state of flight. Fleeing the scene as soon as possible becomes the overriding priority for her, the male, sadly, often fails to recognize this response and can follow her tail for several hours after her initial rejection, causing her to eventually be forced into hiding or outright run from the offending beast.

This animal goes by the name of Dave…or Trevor…or Mike…or Daniel…or Tyrone…or Achmed…or Jonty…or Tim.

You get the idea.

You may have come across one of these creatures in the course of your travels, they are, as you can see from the description, instantly recognizable, but if you don’t spot them from the above then you will also recognize them by the fact that they never, ever, in a gazillion years, successfully conclude their mission and always end up going home alone. And quite right too, when it comes to these creatures evolution seems to have been put into reverse, and given another millennium or so they are bound to have devolved back into wiggly little sea-creatures. But up until that time you’d be well advised to avoid these beasts – they fall into the same category as skunks, rats and weasels (and only a very specific type of person enjoys a weasel in their pants). Urgghh.

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