1. Rifling through your flatmate’s underpants drawer.

2. Softly whispering confessions of adoration to a decidedly large root vegetable.

3. Watching a documentary on the mating habits of the conga eel with your trousers about your ankles.

These, I am delighted to report, are three somewhat compromising situations in which I have never been caught.

However, it would be true to say that this week I was involved in a small incident of which I would wholeheartedly have preferred no other eyes to be privy.

This episode happened to star myself (of course) bereft of clothing in the upper region of my body (i.e. norks out) and another gentleman, with whom I should not have been in the company of, enjoying the exposed norkage. Eek.

Moving you swiftly to the nub of the matter I have, in short, been engaged in an illicit affair with a colleague. Nothing wrong with this of course – he is a young single chap with an enjoyable face and there’s nothing in my world that prevents me from pursuing a bit of jiggery-pokery – the issue is that we both very much enjoy undertaking our flirtations in the office.

He’ll touch my thigh under the table during meetings, I’ll glance a hand across his deliciously pert buttocks as we pass on the stairs. Barely disguised innuendos about ‘raising points’ and ‘servicing needs’ are bandied around afore the very ears of our blissfully unaware colleagues.

Oh it’s such fun…

And very very erotic. Spreadsheets are rendered all-to-cock due to lack of concentration!

Well of course we could only keep a reign on the sexual tension for so long, and this week it rather spilled over into action.

Holed up in one of the private offices, finally alone, there was, as one might delicately describe it, some significant tongue-sandwiching and a smidgen of upper-body fondlearoos (hence aforementioned naked nork situation).

The release of the longstanding tension had left us completely unaware of our surroundings and so it took some serious “hut-humming” on the part of our boss – newly arrived on the scene – before we realized he was there…

Well, ecologists would have us believe the beloved baboon, like his orangutan cousin, is near extinction, but should they be concerned that the colour of said baboons bottom will never been seen again, they need not fear, the faces of both my booby-loving friend, and I, matched it exactly.

We tried to cover our tracks of course.

I babbled that I’d seen a spider crawling down my top and so removing all items of clothing seemed the swiftest way to locate it. My ‘chum’ chipped in by reasoning that he’d heard that spiders are attracted to human saliva and so logic (and chivalry) had encouraged him to apply his tongue to the area in order to efficiently dispose of the dastardly creature.

We weren’t believed.

One piece of advice for you my friends – should you wish to put yourself in a ‘risky situation’ ensure you have a plethora of ready excuses, because the excitement of a dicey scenario is all well and good, but the embarrassment of getting caught will render you fully shamed. Forever.

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