What with all these ghouls and goblins tripping about the place at the moment I found myself inspired to have a bash at setting up my mate Dave.

Dave, Heaven help him, has a distinct face. And by distinct, I of course mean, hideous – ears so large and sticky-outie crows often try to roost upon them come nightfall. A conk with a tip so bent to one side you wonder if it wouldn’t be better employed as a pointing tool for assisting lost tourists. Skin as grey and dull as the feeling one gets on a damp Sunday afternoon in November.

In short, the sort of chap for whom a Halloween mask would be a marked improvement.

However the spirit of the season had really got my gizzards going – after all, you can lay a fiver down that all those be–warted and blood–gargling creatures–of–the–night set about a bit of romance when on a break from all that scaring nonsense. So I decided that if hairy–knuckled werewolves and mouldy old zombies could get a bit of pant action, there was no reason that my poor prune Dave, couldn’t.

Flicking through the list of my single female friends my eyes began to fizz with excitement when they rested upon Karen.

Beautiful, lovely Karen. This blighter’s face starts where Helen of Troy left off – so you wouldn’t necessary pair her with the gargoyle that is Dave – however, despite her cracking facial arrangement she lacks somewhat in the body department; rather lumpy round the middle, yet with no lumps where lumps would be welcomed. Legs, no more than fleshy stumps, and shoulders that stoop forward as if always looking out for runaway snails.

So I had Karen with her delightful face yet unfortunate body, and Dave with his facial unpleasantness yet appropriate body and cracking personality. Between them they seemed to make one perfect human being. Yahoo!

Like dutiful singles they happily agreed to meet for a blind date and I waited next to the blower the next morning to hear how things had gone…

Karen was first off the mark.

Within seconds my lugs were aflame! She accused me of implying she was desperate and made no bones about the fact his face was totally unacceptable to her – apparently she’d wanted to puke on sight. Yikes.

Seconds after Karen had finished licking me with her abuse Dave tinkled up and the ranting began all over again! The thrust being that he was horrified I thought him so unattractive as to set him up with a hideous malformed monster like Karen.

Zoiks! I hadn’t banked on this at all. Both Karen and Dave considered themselves a serious cut above the other – despite their equal swings and matching roundabouts.

The vanity of both parties prevented this pair from over-looking the not so smashing parts of the other and seeing through to the bloomin’ brilliant bits – a situation they both share in buckets. Idiots.

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