When I was a mere stripling I convinced my little brother that he wasn’t actually one of ‘us’ and that my Mum had shoplifted him from a PoundShop. He cried for yonks. It was hilarious.

Deception, sometimes, can make the day pass with an interesting zip and I often employ it as a way of pepping up dull conversations – perhaps I’ll pretend I’m related to Debbie McGee, or maybe fake a severe fear of jumpers – any such nonsense to keep boredom at bay. Some lies, however, take things a smidge further than your everyday entertainment injection…

Pete, a colleague of mine with a hook–nose but a cracking pair of buns, was enjoying a bit of internet dating on, I’m sorry to say, a site in no way as binky-bonky as our dear Flirtomatic. He’d been chatting to several fillies, exchanged a few personal details and was dreadfully excited about his first date with a girl who, I have to say, from her pic, had a stonkingly tremendous facial arrangement.

So, the evening of his date I sent him on his way with a hearty cheer and wishes of all things pant-moistening and set about polishing my ears in anticipation of news…

Well, the story goes that at first poor Pete thought that he’d been stood up. Having been in the bar for a good twenty minutes looking for this lovely creature he couldn’t spy her for peanuts. Just as he was about to scarper a girl tapped him on the shoulder and ‘huttt-hummed’, he swiveled to face her. “Are you Pete?” she queried. “I believe that I am” he replied. And low, he had found his date. However it was no great surprise that his eyeballs hadn’t detected her earlier, the similarity to her photo was about as real as unicorn poo. He, being a man who believes in the straight line, laid it out there. “You aren’t the girl in the snap?”. “No” she confessed, “that’s my friend Daisy, we all call her Frogslegs” as if the nickname provided some explanation?! Pete stood agog, the reason she’d used her friend’s picture was clear – this girl had a face like a sack of smashed crabs! But more to the point, she’d fibbed! It goes without verbal explanation to assume he legged it, sharpish.

Of course I have no doubt that if he’d followed my words of great wisdom and stuck with Flirtomatic this situation would not have arisen. Deception? Us? No way. The Flirto-Crew are way too fit-a-roo, you just have to check out our pics to see that…

What’s that you say? Why yes, I suppose I do bear an uncanny likeness to Angelina.

Who are all those children and that fit guy with me in the picture, you ask?….oh erm you know, just some school kids and their teacher I was passing…honest!

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