Taurus

Prepare to roll naked in heaps of cash as that worm racing syndicate you invested in last month finally pays off.

Gemini

Oh Geminis. Why must you always see the bad in people? The man who lives opposite isn’t a peeping tom; he is simply using those binoculars to look for roosting swallows. You never should have told your brother. This week he will go round and strangle him with a cheese wire.

Cancer

Don’t fret; some cream will clean that rash up. Still at least you had a good birthday.

Leo

Leo females beware. This coming Sunday afternoon, you will exit a public toilet with your skirt tucked into your pants.

Virgo

Get off your ass and clean your fish tank. It’s an absolute state!

Libra

Ah Libra, the most romantic of all the signs. You always know how to treat a lady. As a result you will get your end away a record 46 times before next Wednesday. Best buy a job lot of condoms in preparation.

Scorpio

Is that the doorbell? Yes I think it is? Best you go to answer it. It’s the milkman. The one that you fancy. He’s going to propose. It’s a bit sudden I agree, but you’ll accept and both live happily ever after. How sweet.

Sagittarius

Jupiter brings a soul mate into your world. Saturn kills him off in a road accident. Bad luck Sagittarius.

Capricorn

Destiny arrives in brown corduroy. Be certain to snog the face off of the first corduroy encased person that you see.

Aquarius

A deep conversation about Jesus will lead to an illicit affair. Irony plagues you as usual.

Pisces

For goodness sake Pisces, put those binoculars down and lock the back door!

Aries

Your guardian angel appears to you in a dream this week. You will mistake him for an ex-lover and put your hand up his dress. He will take offence and leave you forever. Be careful from here on in. You’re going it alone.

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