Dear Dolly, I have a problem. My Nan is hot. Really hot. The lavender smell of her perfume, the white wisps of hair intermingled with spots of pink scalp that glisten in the afternoon sun, the way she handles her Zimmer frame! Oh Dolly it drives me wild. Sometimes I see her looking at me with those watery eyes and I wonder if maybe, just maybe, she feels the same way too. I know its wrong Dolly. What shall I do?
Incestuously inclined, Herts.
Dear ‘Incestuously Inclined’, it was touch and go for a moment but I have just about managed to hold down my scrambled eggs, so here is my advice. Put all this Grandmother nonsense out of your mind and throw your lustful zest into Flirtomatic. We have a delightful range of ladies, including those who spend their Thursday mornings in the post office queuing to collect their pensions. Love should never be bound by age differences – however it should be bound by the confines of the legal system. My advice would be to look for a flirt-mate who resembles your Grandmother and lavish wild attention upon her. You’ll soon forget all about the swing of your Grandmothers sexy little arthritic hips. However if this fails to work and the attraction between you and your Grandmother really is that strong all I can advise is that you keep any tongue action out of eyesight, for I fear the vision of it may strike others blind.”
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