Diary of a Flirt
Secret diary of a Serial Dater Part II
Oh Flirtomatic. My love. My lifeline. The reason for my very existence! I’m back! Nuzzling once more in the safety of your proud bosoms. What a feeling! Smashing. Now then my dear friends, you know me, if I were the owner of a trumpet, where possible I would prefer not to blow it. Instead I [...]
Ken and Deidre?
Leanne’s ex-boyfriend, Simon, sets my loins aflame. His face is a treat for the eyeballs and his stature a joy to behold. The slight bluebottle in the ointment is of course the small matter of his ‘ex–of–a–chum’ status. Usually I would jump, legs akimbo, atop any gent who tickles my flirting bone in the correct [...]
Picture Perfect
When I was a mere stripling I convinced my little brother that he wasn’t actually one of ‘us’ and that my Mum had shoplifted him from a PoundShop. He cried for yonks. It was hilarious. Deception, sometimes, can make the day pass with an interesting zip and I often employ it as a way of [...]
Narrow Squeak
Ever nipped out of your back door just as the mountain of jelly, prepared for your niece’s birthday, reacts with your Dad’s fungal foot cream and explodes all over your kitchen? No? Well perhaps you’ve been chased across a rugby pitch by a genetically modified giant badger and being rescued thanks to a blindside flanker [...]
Sister Mel
If ever a brain has been completely addled by too much flirting, it’s mine. It needs to pack it’s flip-flops, cancel the milk and go for a holiday someplace that it can’t even begin to think about the be-trousered of our species. This became apparent last week when I was nattering away to a distinguished [...]
M.I wouldn’t L.F
Ladies, ever been leered at by a man in his late 40’s who believes that just because his coconut is still populated with thick, wavy locks he is the owner of eternal youth and convinced he can still pull even the most glamourous young lady? Yes? Course you have. We all have. Fortunately most of [...]
Demons from Heeeeeeell
What with all these ghouls and goblins tripping about the place at the moment I found myself inspired to have a bash at setting up my mate Dave. Dave, Heaven help him, has a distinct face. And by distinct, I of course mean, hideous – ears so large and sticky-outie crows often try to roost [...]
“Eek, Spiders”!
1. Rifling through your flatmate’s underpants drawer. 2. Softly whispering confessions of adoration to a decidedly large root vegetable. 3. Watching a documentary on the mating habits of the conga eel with your trousers about your ankles. These, I am delighted to report, are three somewhat compromising situations in which I have never been caught. [...]
Beans, guitars and short curlies
1. Fresh underpants everyday. 2. Avoid eating Scampi ‘n’ Lemon Nik Naks in respectable company. 3.Never stay on a bad date longer than necessary. These, my flirtatious young prunes, are rules to live by. Never waiver. Never flounder. Never deviate. If my friend Gertie Longbottom (yes, really) had paid heed to said rules, her Friday [...]
Wet ‘n’ Whiplashed
The weird dream you keep having about chainsaws. Your unfeasibly small testicles. A pair of PVC undercrackers you found down the back of the sofa that don’t belong to you, but you thought you’d try on anyway just to see what they’d feel like… All these topics of conversation are best avoided on a first [...]
Categories
Start flirting!
