1. Fresh underpants everyday.
2. Avoid eating Scampi ‘n’ Lemon Nik Naks in respectable company.
3.Never stay on a bad date longer than necessary.
These, my flirtatious young prunes, are rules to live …

The weird dream you keep having about chainsaws.
Your unfeasibly small testicles.
A pair of PVC undercrackers you found down the back of the sofa that don’t belong to you, but you …

If you were to poke your big ole beak into my handbag you would find, nestling amongst the crusty old tissues and half-eaten Mars bars, a small book of puzzles …

My Uncle Maurice collects moustaches. Yes moustaches. Fake ones of course – it would be nigh on impossible to cultivate a variety of real upper-lip accessories on his very face, …

Tummy all bibbly and quibbly?
Noggin so distracted you can’t remember whether your socks go on your feet or in the fruit bowl?
Peepers locked on your phone so firmly …

If it weren’t for the fact I don’t have wispy grey hair and a voice so smooth and comforting it’s a wonder they’ve not named a chocolate after it, you’d …

Being ‘Queen of the Cillas’ (i.e. I bloomin’ love match-making) you would think that I’d enjoy being set-up myself. Well, my flirt-flavoured fizz-bombs, brace yourself for wrongness.
Ok ok, ‘total …

“Well would you just lookee-here. It’s you again!
Gosh, don’t you look well! How are you? How’s your Mum? Have you managed to sort out that unseemly in-growing hair since …

A blind hedgehog being guided across a motorway by a nun with a wooden leg.
Noel Edmunds moving into the flat next door.
Opening a packet of Garibaldi’s only to …

‘Never smile at a crocodile’ so the old song advises.
I think that’s a smidge harsh, wouldn’t you say?
Poor old Mr. Croc, there he is, sitting on his rock …